Season of Change, Season of Thanks

It's been a while since I've formally written and most of you probably forgot I even had a blog. Most of my writings have been privately contained, as I process Life, Love, Giving, and Thanks as it relates to me and what I want from each.  This year’s season of change has never been more tangible in its meaning for me.  You’re probably thinking “What is she talking about? She’s always going somewhere, doing ten million things, and every time I see her she’s got new hair.” I know I’m always flipping my style. But the ME on the inside had gotten crusty and stale like that piece of toast that falls to the bottom of the stove and gets burnt to a black crisp nugget and you leave it there because it can’t get any more burnt. My soul and spirit weren’t feeling as fancy as the locks I might have been rocking.  It sounds pretty ridiculous for the girl who’s always smiling to admit to being a bit sad and lost.  It took a while to acknowledge the walls I built weren’t constructed properly and leaks could spring out through the cracks at any time. A few times there were floods and I thought I might drown within the world I built. I am now taking responsibility for my domain and deconstructing the wall so my view is open. This year has been one of awakenings, transitions, heartbreak, re-connections, death, making new connections, releasing old dreams, chaos, doubt, happiness, failures, success, coming to Jesus, creating new dreams, family, friends, love and OH DEAR LORD, I COULD GO ON!

Truthfully, it’s a blessing to have such an emotional rollercoaster of a season in life and makes me realize I’m alive.  The Universe has been showing itself to me with outstanding displays of coincidences that lead me to places, people, and alternate life experiences.  Serendipity is like magic when it happens and I feel that I am exactly where I should be.  This summer while on a work trip to New York, I had them back to back. The number 6 freakishly followed me everywhere with 3 and 9 in tow.  Blue was the color that accompanied me.  An abundant number of people were fashioned in the most beautiful and deep arrays of royal and navy.  I couldn’t help but to stop, recognize, and give praise to their beauty (yes, I talked to random people on the streets of SoHo).  The connection to my surroundings felt surreal and spiritual. Remember that visual game where you stare at a pixelated photo and once your eyes relax and adjust, you can see the true image? That’s what it was like.  The laws of attraction were so powerful a group could mention a long lost friend’s name and “POOF!” he walked up to us on the streets of NY when he was supposed to be on his way home from San Francisco to London.  We screeched to the pitch of teenage-girls-at-a-boy band concert at this glorious demonstration. Honestly, it was orgasmic. Your entire being can ignite with physical excitement over serendipity. It gives us that “WOW!” moment we’re always looking for in life. Like going to a place you would normally never be and meeting the love of your life. I like to use the phrase “the Universe is flexing” aka showing off. 

 We are here to connect, love, learn, teach, and evolve. So many of us dread change and tend to focus on how it will affect us negatively.  It’s mostly conjured up by an unfounded fear of traveling into the unknown. We want all the answers before we head out the door with everything pre-planned on this excursion, but the truth is, you simply can’t, try as you may.  You have to figure most of that shit out when you get there.

In addition to my crafty Bacon Jam making skills, I’m an Independent Event Producer with over 20 years in the Hospitality and Event Production/Planning industry. When operating an event, there is an extreme amount of text on paper that is nicely detailed out for me and the staff to operate with perfection.  We Road Warriors (experienced travel professionals technically called Travel Directors) call it our Bible. We understand the words on this document are simply a guideline of expectations with procedures and protocols to follow.  I view events as an opportunity to create and have a life experience.  Anyone who has ever coordinated a group of people to do one thing can attest to meticulous lists of details that can come crashing down with one small glitch. Force Mejeure, a superior act beyond anyone’s control that will force your plans, goods promised, and services to come to a screeching halt and ain’t nothing you can do about it.  Also known as Acts of God/The Devine/Nature/The Universe is a must in every contract…Why? Because life doesn’t give a shit about what you’ve got written down on your little piece of paper.

Working in Events produces the most spectacular me, in action! The Gemini aka The Twins within me are revealed and love to be at play, allowing the complex and easy going sides of me to balance each other under almost any circumstance.  Even if I’m down, it’s not within me to drag others to my level and can pull a beaming smile out of nowhere to make someone else’s day better, even if mine is completely shitty.  In high level execution, I don’t point to where the Conference room A is, I escort.  I don’t say, “I don’t know” I say “let me find out”.  If I don’t have the answer, I’ll get one. After paying my dues in the industry, I began getting requests for work by various organizations that never asked for a resume or interview, just my availability.  They trusted someone’s word and the skills they heard I possess. After a few years, I realized I had reached a pinnacle achievement and was highly regarded by my family in my work world. This industry is made of independent contractors, we don’t refer nobody! Unless we have direct and consistent proof of a person’s abilities, personality, flexibility, and sense of humor through even the most unimaginable situations, then maybe we’ll refer you. This is an underground industry of people who make shit happen.  Each one of us is Olivia Pope. 

Most of my friends and family have a hard time truly understanding what I do in the event realm. Comrade Titus quoted it best when he said…”We Create Miracles and Change Lives”.  It sounds dramatic but it’s pretty close to true. I find it most gratifying to give my fullest self to the world and my position allows me to do so. I also know I’m appreciated by the people in my care and atmosphere.  I travel the world, leaving pieces of me and taking pieces of the family I’ve created in Germany, Missouri, Thailand, North Carolina, Barcelona, Atlanta, London, New York, Rome, and San Francisco (to name a few).  When I meet up with people in various places around the world it's like my soul reconnecting to home.  I am honored to have their love with me on my journey. 

I honestly wonder how a little Black girl from St. Louis got so far.  A good solid, loving and extra large family was the start and with a hot young Flight Attendant (Stewardess back then…not now!) for a mom, I learned early on how to be independent, flexible and could quickly adjust and be happy in new/different environments. My childhood was all about changes.  Ask any friend from high school and they’ll tell you how hard it was to track me down.  From day to day, I could be any number of places, between Mother’s house (my maternal grandmother), a couple of aunts/cousin’s houses, my great grandmother’s house, my paternal grandparent’s home.  Oh yeah, and my home with my mom! I grew up loved but damn, I had shit all over St. Louis! Now that I’m older I’m much more appreciative of my secure gypsy upbringing and would never trade it (well, a sibling would have been nice…sorry mommy!). Even though it was a way of life for me, I can’t say I’ve always had an open and positive view toward change and struggled out of character for a long time.

Transitioning is something we all must do in order to survive or what's the freakin point of being here. We complain when the weather is too hot for our liking and look forward to when it cools, yet we digress back to wishing it was warm once the temps really begin to drop.  I'm TOTALLY guilty of the above, as my old ass body swings through various temperatures minute by minute.  While my own personal fluctuations can range from Haiti hot to Alaska cold at times, the fact is, if I just ride through them as gracefully as possible, everything will be okay.  Even though I might be bummed about breaking out a fan, like a Black Scarlett O’Hara, to wave between my armpits or any other open body part I can reach during a flash, I couldn't be more grateful to have that fan.  In the change of life, sometimes that fan gets worn to pieces and isn't worth a damn to calm down the fire starting to smolder from the inside out.  In those times I need to be resourceful and am thankful God gave me a hand with 4 working fingers and a thumb that function perfectly to “whip and nae nae”, creating the breeze I need to soothe myself.

How do you view and experience change?  Why do we fear it so much?  What is the impact on us and even those in our circle when things change?  I've thought long and hard about how the transitions in my life affect other people.  Probably worry too much and take on more accountability for their reactions than for myself.  As a self sufficient, full-fledged Gemini, I'm built for this shit with flexibility, spontaneity, and the ability to quickly assimilate at the core of me.  I honestly don't know how I became so resistant against it and fearful of it.  I cared too much about what other people thought.  I wanted more than anything to be accepted and liked. Something about putting myself before others felt wrong.  At some point, change and transition within my personal growth had come to a screeching halt and within that loss, I took a deep tumble down a rabbit hole of depression.  I was moving but not moving, stagnant in my beliefs, feeling powerless, dreams had lost steam, but I could fake it with a grand smile.  Behind the famous cheese, my teeth were clenched as I held the cord of life between them, trying to decide if and when to release myself. Was I too delicate for this life or was I too strong? I didn’t know my purpose, hopeless in my successes, because fear had wrapped its arms around me.  My fear of failure, fear of disappointing, fear of judgments, and fear of change (within myself) transitioned to even more dramatics.  As a child of airline parents and also following my mother’s footsteps by soaring the friendly skies as a Flight Attendant (not Stewardess people!) with TWA (yes, I’m dating myself!), it’s ludicrous that I had become afraid of flying.  For a time, I made peace that a plane crash would conveniently end my suffering, thanked the Good Lord for all he has given me, and settled in for my fate, I mean flight. 

When my fear wasn’t in the air it was on the ground.  Nature had it out for me, I was sure of it! I once dodged a lighting bolt that had me locked in as a target for a weenie roast and on another occasion, got cursed out in my backyard by a microburst (eventually classified as a tornado).  It was a giant furious beast who roared and spit angry words down on me like I was Jack running off with its goose and 20 golden eggs.  Maybe I was hoping any one of these possible catastrophes would be my way out, back to home base, beyond this world.  No such luck in God taking me. That would be too easy and not to mention, all painful ways to go.  I was raised in an amazing and ridiculously large but tight family.  My maternal grandmother, Mother had 15 kids and I'm one of 40+ grandkids. No matter the great number, I never got lost in the shuffle, glowed under their guidance, shined from their love, and carried a strong dose of faith with me everywhere I went. Yet I was intent on organizing this self-pity party.  I also chose to be a mommy.  How could I be so selfish to think my child would be just fine without me? Some stupid shit, right? I was going through the motion of life without emotion and death was the one thing I didn’t fear.  As an experienced Travel Professional, I always have a bag packed and ready to go.  This seemed no different.

I have succumbed to a few stereotypes, soared above most expectations, and fought more battles than most could possibly imagine.  My depth of experience and journey from the “unmentionable” and unimaginable tragedies of life are expansive.  I didn’t dell, I covered. Loving without condition is painful and evaluating how people respond when it’s given so freely is even more hurtful. Grave digging became a hobby, as I put life passages in boxes and threw dirt over that shit.  Instead of taking the appropriate actions to hold a wake, funeral, or allow myself a grieving period, I would walk away and not think twice about visiting that plot again.  There have been times where the box was so big, the dig so tiresome, it wore me out and I decided to lie in the ditch with it for a while, hoping someone would just throw dirt over me.  The larger boxes were exhausting and a challenge to dispose of.  I had a huge problem with “getting tired”.  It didn’t really feel like giving up. I have faith God will work it out and take care of everyone left behind.  I simply felt like I could be done with this shit on earth and much happier if I could just go home.  Past the trials of earth’s domain, where I’ve struggled to own a house, I know I have amazing property waiting for me on the other side.  When you have a family this feels embarrassing to acknowledge, disrespectful to think about and even more selfish to do, but if you allow me to be truthful, not one fucking thing on this planet matters when you “get tired”.  I’ve made all the people I need to happy, held my earthly obligations (and then some) to those around me, been a good girl, followed the rules (well mostly), went to church regularly, and love fiercely.  Am I tired because I’ve given so much away that I don’t have anything left for myself?  Many people can’t comprehend the selfless ability to love and need for full expression of it. I continuously struggle with the feeling like I’ve done something wrong when all I want is for it to flow freely and open. Or am I in need of more lessons to contain it?  The ability to give it away so eagerly and without question is my biggest challenge in life. Although a giver by nature, there is some capacity within me to be selfish but not when it comes to genuine love. I had not mastered any boundaries. Isn’t that the way God/The Divine wants us to be?  Fuck no! Even God’s love has limits. It warrants respect and is enduring when you give gratitude to it.  It took me a long time to realize this and I still struggle. Life happens, shit happens, tons of people are fucking mean assholes and don’t live by any creed of love and general respect.  Protecting yourself and others THROUGH love is the message I’ve gotten to continue on.  Mother always says “Treat people how you want to be treated.” It’s how I live my life, wanting the best for all, After dropping to my knees, all I could ask for is Truth. Truth will lead you away from Fear into the arms of Freedom.  Freedom will lead to Love.  Love of self, uncompromising, unabashedly shining bright with no dimmer.

As God/The Divine lifted me up to face these eyes everyone is always talking about, I discovered a nasty filmy layer of fear stacked on top of my life.  Each speck of dust was carefully laid by my own hands.  Damn, I needed a housekeeper stat!  If you’re lucky enough to have a good one, you know YOU need to pick up your shit first, so they can get to the dust. The journey of self-discovery is a lonely road at times and as I travel along I’m coming across those boxes I’ve buried and finally taking the time to remember what was enclosed, retrieve the necessary tools I left behind, grieve for what was lost, and thank God/The Divine for the lesson within. Maybe I’ll even hand-carve a tombstone and plant flowers.

In our world we are seeing revolutions and uprisings like never before. For these to happen there needs to be a spark of thought which builds up until an action is inevitable for survival. Somewhere along the way I decided I wanted to do more than survive and for that I need to go beyond basic training to be successful.  I’ve been working on filling my head with God/The Divine, am being led by the sun and the moon, riding big waves as a weak swimmer, and reaching for positivity in life’s most distressing situations. My old comfort zones of sadness, depression, lack of self awareness, and lack self love will not be allowed in the new home I’m building.  They’ve got to pack their bags and get the hell out!  I’m an ordinary girl living a super extraordinary life and finding myself in dive bars with some homies in North Philly feels just as comfortable as walking the halls of the 1% in state buildings that President Obama hasn’t been invited to. Being the only Black female at times, I crack the pavement within those walls with my head high like I’m meant to be there and convincing others of that truth.

As I change and transition almost daily, love continues to guide me through it all.  Having big dreams, I fight worry, give in to faith and am grateful for the knowledge in each challenge and triumph.  When my purpose landed in my lap, actually on my plate as Bacon Jam, I discovered an outlet for my love and developed a way to share it without expectation or obligation for it to be returned. It’s a safe place to live where from a distance I can give.  It makes me feel free.

As a new phase approaches, and as we journey into the season of giving thanks and appreciating love, I am overflowing with it.  Even in the sorrow of change, I can find joy and reason to celebrate life’s gifts.  Sometimes being thankful for all of God/The Divine’s lessons is damn hard and seemly impossible at times but faith has been bestowed unto me and now I know I’ve got something to learn, a blessing coming, and possibly something to teach someone else. I am becoming more distant to the perils of being truthful. I’m glowing beneath the sunshine and shining fearlessly. I want to honor love in whatever capacity I can give and receive it. I promise to challenge my competitive soul to complete its mission and give thanks for the awareness gained from each painful and glorious moment that I am able to experience. I want no sorrow or worry for me ever. When I next see you, I want an exchange of happiness, a smile returned and of course a hug.

My love is like Bacon Jam…you can put that shit on everything!